You need to put what in where?

I’ve been gone for ages! We all know the Power-Hungry-Hairpiece is attempting to abolish Obama-care. So Medicaid-card-carrying me had to drive up to Maryland (my official residence) to visit family and go see a few doctors.

My main purpose was to get lasting, long-term birth control. I grew up very religious. My birth control has always been abstinence. Even before my baptism (which I don’t regret, by the way, just outgrew) I had no desire to have sex before marriage. I am the result of spontaneous break-up sex. My Mum hadn’t taken her pills. My Dad didn’t wear a rubber. 9ish months later, a little accident they couldn’t abort and got too attached to to give away popped out. I’ve had a difficult time coping with my existence my entire life. I never wanted another child to experience the self-loathing I did. 

Birth control was never an option for me. When I brought this up recently, both my parents somehow morphed into super progressive human beings. HEAVY eye-roll. If sixteen-year-old Lauren had mentioned birth control to either of my parents, they would have killed me, resurrected me, then grilled me for information about which boy I was obviously hooking up with in secret. Never mind that the only reason I would have ever wanted birth control in the past would have been a DNA-encoded fear since the age of 10 that I could be raped and possibly bear a child from such an assault. Yeah. 10. My biggest fear. The world is a great place. 

I’m older now. I’m still terrified of that possibility, but in another, less terrifying world, lies the thought of actually wanting to have sex before marriage. Maybe this seems so normalised in our 21st century, hookup culture world, but remember I was very religious. It took me a long time to feel comfortable with the idea. It wasn’t a specific guy I was vying for or a wild sex romp I was after. Still a virgin, guys. But I wanted to be a virgin in charge of her body and who she invited to partake in it. I wanted control over my reproductive organs–to never have kids if I so choose, and for that to be okay. 

Planned Parenthood helped me achieve that end. 

I’ll admit I was scared. Church girl was back and she was pretty sure we were walking into an abortion clinic and also possibly Hell. My best friend suggested it, though, so how bad could it be. No PCP referral needed. Medicaid friendly. Women-run, basically. Church girl didn’t know it yet, but she was in pretty good hands. 

At first I wanted an IUD. I had done my research and knew what to expect (so I thought). I could take the pain. I wanted copper so there were no hormones. Also, 12 years of birth control! Score! 

I very quickly learned (through great counsel) that Paraguard was likely not for me. No hormones, good. Crazy painful and heavy periods, bad. So Mirena was suggested. A sweet little pregnant lady climbed deeper into me than I had even been and talked me through the worse, most specific, most unyielding pain of my life. I didn’t cry, but only because my whole body had tensed and I could barely breathe, let alone squeeze out a tear. She then told me that the intense pain was because she was trying to shove a plastic T through my cervix which was tightly closed. I could take pills to open it, but that would have to be tomorrow. 

Now I cried. I don’t know why, but suddenly my self-hatred caved in on me full force. 14 year olds get IUDs for fucks sake. Why not me? I’ve gotten 15 tattoos. I pierced my own ears. I dislocated my shoulder twice. But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t care what medicine opened whatever,  I didn’t want those sharp metal and plastic things inside me ever again. I wanted another option. 

Then I learned about Nexplanon. It’s an implant that goes in my lower arm, has the same hormones as the IUD, and is actually more effective than sterilisation! After much (and I mean MUCH) deliberation, I decided to get it. The procedure start to finish took maybe 3 minutes. I have a killer bruise (this was only about 3 days ago now) and a little matchstick floating around in my batwings. Side effects will be monitored for the foreseeable future, but right now I’m fine. I’m in control. I’m free to make whatever decisions I want. I felt and feel so liberated! I’m not a slut who doesn’t want to deal with consequences or a barbaric life-killer who is going to Hell. I’m a woman who made a choice for her body. Planned Parenthood helped. Medicaid helped. Nexplanon helped. 

For the next three years, I have birth control and the most important thing is, it was MY choice. 


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